Cosmopolitan Toastmasters

THE EVOLUTION OF THE TELEPHONE  By Sir Donald Wolesky

“Watson! Come quickly! I need you!”

“Yeah, boss—I’m on my way!”

Legend has it, that was the essence of the first telephone call. Alexander Graham Bell picked up the phone, and spoke to Watson, his personal assistant. Watson responded by doing something helpful to the caller.

Ah, those were the good old days. Back in the 19th Century, when the phone was first invented, you could actually use it to talk to somebody!

How times have changed! Fast forward to the 21st Century.

Now, when you place a phone call, you don’t actually talk to somebody—their phone talks to you! Here is what a modern phone might say to you:

“I’m sorry, we are unable to come to the phone right now. At the sound of the tone, please leave your name and number, and someone will get back to you as soon as possible.”

That is the type of response you will get if you try to reach a private party. Simple, unsatisfying, but not terribly frustrating. However, calling a business is far more challenging.

Here is a dramatic re-enactment of the type of message you will probably hear when you attempt to talk to someone at a typical business:

“Thank you for calling Marten Zoological Waste Byproducts. If you know the number of the extension of the person you are trying to contact, please dial it now. If you do not know the number of the extension, try dialing the first few letters of the person's last name. If you have no idea who you need to talk to, you may as well hang up now, because there is no way you will ever penetrate our voice mail shields!”

Exasperating as that message is, it is still relatively gracious compared to the ordeal you will experience if you attempt to call “customer support” at a major institution, such as your “personal banker,” your “health care provider,” or, (the worst case scenario), your Internet Service Provider’s technical support group.

Here is what you encounter when attempting to penetrate one of those diabolical phone systems:

“Please listen carefully, because we have recently upgraded our menu.

If you wish to speak in English, press 1. If you wish to speak in Spanish, press 2.” If you are so primitive that you do not have a touch tone phone, please hang on and a live operator may come to assist you eventually.”

After you press 1 (assuming you speak English), you will be given another menu with a host of other options. Most of these options will require that you identify yourself by using the phone keys to enter in your social security number, personal identity code number, policy number, membership number, account number, or a combination of other numbers, most of which have at least nine digits.

After each code is entered and verified, you will receive another automated message with further instructions. If you somehow manage to follow all of the instructions successfully, the transaction will be completed, and you will receive a message telling you that you may now hang up.

When the system works as designed, you will have spent anywhere from ten minutes to eternity on the phone without talking to a living, breathing, caring human being. Isn’t technology wonderful?

Inventors are such dreamers! Back in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell really believed he was inventing a device which would enable people far apart to speak to one another. How naïve! As we know today, the true purpose of a modern business phone system is to prevent people from speaking to other people at all whenever possible. In instances where human to human conversation cannot be totally avoided, the phone’s mission is to delay and screen calls, protecting the intended recipient from unwanted calls and placing the caller at the mercy of the phone system.

Here is a dramatic re-enactment of that first telephone call, using modern phone equipment:

“Watson! Come quickly! I need you! Watson! Watson? . .”

“I’m sorry, Watson is unable to come to the phone right now. At the sound of the tone. . .”