Cosmopolitan Toastmasters

A CIRCULAR TALE

by George Bentley

Rarely in the affairs of men do we have an opportunity to look back at history and seek the wisdom that our forefathers left for us. It is an arduous struggle, fraught with great challenges and heartbreak that often leads us nowhere. Thus is the Homeric odyssey of the great human endeavor, the propensity for mankind to reach for answers that often lie beyond the grasp of us mere mortals.

Such is not the case of our porcine cousins. Swine are a specie that embrace the past and relish in it’s fruits, that seemingly grow with the pride of their ancestors. To be a pig is to be part of an ongoing story that has no real beginning and stretches into the eternity of the cosmos

.

As a genealogist, I have had the rare and supremely gratifying experience of sitting down with our own Cosmo Pigglesworth to discover the richness of the background of this distinguished member of Cosmopolitan 515. It is with great honor that I come before you here tonight to relay the tale of the Pigglesworth ancestry.

Cosmo Pigglesworth came from humble roots. His parents, Sweet and Sour Pigglesworth, were born in a poor pig sty in Upper Michigan. His father, Sour, worked very hard on the little farm to make his way in the world and to raise his family of swine in the way his parents taught him. He imparted a noble work ethic into most of his children, and led a truly pure and mud-caked life.

His mother, Sweet, was a kindly pig, always seeking to improve the domestic lot of the sty. She was the one that taught Cosmo the ways of truth and virtue that have stayed with him throughout his life.

Cosmo’s siblings were a mixed bag of porcine characters that would rival any product of any sty in the country. His oldest sister, Tender Pigglesworth, was a kind and gentle soul that married young and raised an entire sty of young piglets.

His brother, Pigskin Pigglesworth, was very sports-minded from an early age, and has become very famous by appearing in uncounted high school, college and professional football games.

His younger sister, Sowma Pigglesworth, was blessed with hundreds of teats, which made her a natural to go into government work as a welfare specialist.

When Cosmo was old enough to go out into the world on his own, his humble roots were hidden by a cultured demeanor that attracted the eyes of many a sow. Ultimately, Cosmo met and married Porcina Hoggbottom, of the Massachusetts Hoggbottoms.

The Hoggbottoms were part of the Brahman society of Boston’s upper crust pigs, and Cosmo certainly reached and attained the stars when he married into such a rich family.

Porcina’s parents were Baconius Hoggbottom, a wealthy hog futures speculator, and Sausagia Hoggbottom, certainly the grand sow of Boston porcine society.

This marriage brought with it great opportunity for Cosmo Pigglesworth, and led to his successful career as a sty salesman and ultimately as a land baron. Cosmo is independently wealthy, and chooses to spend his time working with pigs and Toastmasters less fortunate than he, showing them the ways of Smedletarian splendor.

Perhaps no one is a more recognizable figure in the Cosmopolitan Toastmaster world than our own, dear Cosmo Pigglesworth, who appears on all of our correspondence.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Cosmo’s uncles, the brothers of Sour Pigglesworth.

First is Porkbelly Pigglesworth, a neer-do-well who continuously fails to bring home the bacon.

His other uncle is Porky Pigglesworth, who moved to Hollywood as a young lad and changed his name to Porky Pig, perhaps the best known pork chop in the pig world. Porky is in semi-retirement now, but occasionally makes personal appearances and shows up in cameos in the movies and on TV, where he is sometimes accused of hogging the scene.

So, as you can see, the trials and tribulations of the porcine generations rival that of their human cousins. While we as homo sapiens strive for growth and achievement in our lives, pigs, too, grow and prosper. We need to respect their world as we would respect our own.

And before I depart, I must leave you with a few words of caution. When speaking with swine, never bring up the phrases “pickled pig’s feet” or “Rocky Mountain oysters.”