Cosmopolitan Toastmasters

Somewhat Better Speaking, Listening, Thinking and Eating

                                         Cosmo-Quotes & Poetry
         

 

 Go directly to: Porcine Poetry  Go directly to: Serious Porcine Poetry

 

"Great Speeches are not about what they hear you say, its about how you make them feel."......Kathleen Lepp, First Woman President of CosmoLand.

"Ours is the only organization I kow that is dedicated to the individual.  We work together to bring out the best in each of us, and then apply our skills to help others.."....Dr. Ralph C. Smedley

"Thinking again?" the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin. "I've a right to think," said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried. "Just about as much right," said the Duchess, "as pigs have to fly...."Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 9

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing wax--Of cabbages--and kings--And why the sea is boiling hot--And whether pigs have wings" - Lewis Carroll

"We have come here as members of Cosmopolitan 515, to help each other to become better listeners, better speakers and better thinkers.  Now, let us depart as friends in peace, until we meet again." -while President,  Bob Gaylord ended each meeting with these words

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn-out and loudly proclaiming, 'Wow, what a ride!"....James Kahl giving a "closing thought".

"Take advantage of every opportunity to practice your communication skills so that when important occasions arise, you will have the gift, the style, the sharpness, the clarity, and the emotions to affect other people."....Jim Rohn, businessman

"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant -a pig's faithful 100%"... ......David Moore, Past President

"A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.  That's why there are so few good conversations: Due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.".........Sir Donald Wolesky

"The budget should be balanced, the treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt.  People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance."......Cicero, 55 BC

 

Send in your favorite quotes to our Editor.

 

 "One does not feed the swine for its own sake"...Mrs. Nyberg 

"One cannot have bacon and keep the pig too"...Harry Ireton's ex-wife. 

"Where the pigsty is open, the pigs run out"...Lorali; David Pierce "friend". 

"Live with a hog and you'll grunt like one"...Mrs. Ruth Charchian 

"The voice of a pig can hardly be disguised"...Mrs. David Mitchell 

"It is not necessary to be a pig in order to raise one"...Mrs Hackley; David Hackley's Mother. 

"You can't root with the hogs and have a clean nose"...Sir Don Wolesky

"I am a Republican, a black, dyed-in-the-wool Republican, and I never intend to belong to any other party than the party of freedom and progress".........Frederick Douglass

"Mankind's greatest achievements have come from talking, and it's greatest failures by not talking"......Stephen Hawking

"Never make a decision when you are hungry, or scared, or have an erection".......David Hackley

"The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism"...Norman V. Peale 

                                               Cosmo-Poetry
 

She said “I’ll take you back

when pigs learn how to fly”

 

She said “You broke my heart too often

Too many times you made me cry."

She went and sold my pick-up truck

She threw my old guitar in the trash.

And this little old sow won’t learn to fly

I’m out in the cold freezing my ash..

 

Please fly, my chubby porker friend

She’s watching from the window

Thinks I’ve gone round the bend.

I made your wings from baling wire

I glued each feather on with care

Please my little chubby porker friend

She even kept my beer..

 

I can barely hold you up ..

You future breakfast snack.

It’s only two feet off the ground

Why can’t you get the knack.

Oh darn here come old Farmer John

I think he wants his old sow back.

Ouch, what’s that just hit me?

My empty piggy-bank I cry.

I guess she wants my sorry ass back

For she sure taught that pig to fly.

    In Praise of Pigs
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
                                     Anon.

                     ************* 

 
"Dogs look up to you,
Cats look down on you,
Pigs treat you as an equal."
               Winston  Churchill
                 ****************

Adapted from "A Midsummer Night's Dream," with apologies to W. Shakespeare: by Jacqeline Holder


If Toastmasters we've offended,
Think but this and all is mended:
That you have but slumbered here
While wild hogs ran far and near,
And this weekly porcine scene
No more yielding but a dream.
Club Cosmo, do not reprehend,
As if you do, we'll start again.
And as I'm an honest girl,
If you all should be such churls
now to 'scape the serpent's tongue
We'll debate it in the bar ere long,
Else your Toastmistress a liar call.
So good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And so our Cosmo meeting ends
.

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                                    Serious Porcine Poetry

 

The Pig

 

To everybody it was plain
That this Piggy had a massive brain.
He worked out sums inside his head,
There was no book he hadn't read.

He lay claim to a wide berth,

and was known as Cosmo Pigglesworth
He knew what made an airplane fly,
He knew how engines worked and why.
He knew all this, but in the end
One question drove him round the bend:
He simply couldn't puzzle out
What LIFE was really all about.
What was the reason for his birth?
Why was he placed upon this earth?
His giant brain went round and round.
Alas, no answer could be found.
Till suddenly one wondrous night.
All in a flash he saw the light.
He jumped up like a ballet dancer
And yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!"

"They want my bacon slice by slice
"To sell at a tremendous price!
"They want my tender juicy chops
"To put in all the butcher's shops!
"They want my pork to make a roast
"And that's the part'll cost the most!
"They want my sausages in strings!
"They even want my chitterlings!
"The butcher's shop! The carving knife!
"That is the reason for my life!"


Such thoughts as these are not designed
To give a pig great piece of mind.
Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And piggy with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor…
Now comes the rather grizzly bit
So let's not make too much of it,
Except that you must understand
That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
He ate him up from head to toe,
Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
It took an hour to reach the feet,
Because there was so much to eat,
And when he finished, Pig, of course,
Felt absolutely no remorse.
Slowly he scratched his brainy head
And with a little smile he said,
"I had a fairly powerful hunch
"That he might have me for his lunch.
"And so, because I feared the worst,
"I thought I'd better eat him first."

....Written by Cosmo Pigglesworth himself.

      

Three Little Pigs and Shakespeare Video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxoUUbMii7Q

                Pig Abuse

In ev'ry age, and each profession,

Men err the most by prepossession;

But when the thing is clearly shown,

And fairly stated, fully known,

We soon applaud what we deride,

And penitence succeeds to pride.--

A certain Baron on a day

Having a mind to show away,

Invited all the wits and wags,

Foot, Massey, Shuter, Yates, and Skeggs,

And built a large commodious stage,

For the Choice Spirits of the age;

But above all, among the rest,

There came a Genius who profess'd

 

To have a curious trick in store,

Which never was perform'd before.

Thro' all the town this soon got air,

And the whole house was like a fair;

But soon his entry as he made,

Without a prompter, or parade,

'Twas all expectance, all suspense,

And silence gagg'd the audience.

He hid his head behind his wig,

With with such truth took off a Pig,

 

All swore 'twas serious, and no joke,

For doubtless underneath his cloak,

He had conceal'd some grunting elf,

Or was a real hog himself.

A search was made, no pig was found--

With thund'ring claps the seats resound,

And pit and box and galleries roar,

With--"O rare! bravo!" and "Encore!"

Old Roger Grouse, a country clown,

Who yet knew something of the town,

Beheld the mimic and his whim,

And on the morrow challeng'd him.

Declaring to each beau and bunter

That he'd out-grunt th'egregious grunter.

The morrow came--the crowd was greater--

But prejudice and rank ill-nature

Usurp'd the minds of men and wenches,

Who came to hiss, and break the benches.

 

The mimic took his usual station,

And squeak'd with general approbation.

"Again, encore! encore!" they cry--

'Twas quite the thing--'twas very high;

Old Grouse conceal'd, amidst the racket,

A real Pig berneath his jacket--

Then forth he came--and with his nail

He pinch'd the urchin by the tail.

The tortur'd Pig from out his throat,

Produc'd the genuine nat'ral note.

All bellow'd out--"'Twas very sad!

Sure never stuff was half so bad!

That like a Pig!"--each cry'd in scoff,

"Pshaw! Nonsense! Blockhead! Off! Off! Off!"

The mimic was extoll'd, and Grouse

Was hiss'd and catcall'd from the house.--

 

"Soft ye, a word before I go,"

Quoth honest Hodge--and stooping low

Produc'd the Pig, and thus aloud

Bespoke the stupid, partial crowd:

"Behold, and learn from this poor creature,

How much you Critics know of Nature."

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