Cosmopolitan Toastmasters

Somewhat Better Speaking, Listening, Thinking and Eating

                              Testimonials from Swine Members 

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  When I joined Cosmopolitan Toastmasters Club several years ago, I was a pathetic loser. People thought I was a sexist jerk.  So, I joined the National Organization of Women so I could get a date.  They said I was a wretched pig.  I was such a lousy speaker, I couldn't lead a group in silient prayer.  Then my parole officer told me about Cosmo-land.  They were brutal, but honest about what a horrible communicator I was.  They told me I had to work like a "pig" to even achieve mediocrity.  I did what they told me, even with roadblocks like the ICTM (Incompetent Toastmasters) Council - which is in place to keep members from achieving their coveted CTM's.

I cut down on my swearing, I wrote intelligent speeches, I practiced, I showed up every time I was scheduled, I delivered with enthusiasm until I was not only accepted, but admired.  I worked on my manual assignments until I became a beloved CTM.  God Bless Cosmopolitan Toastmasters.

David Hackley, CTM


*Other Testimonials available upon request.




We actually put

lipstick on pigs 



Visit us at the

 Pork Plaza Hotel



Dinner at 6:00pm



See: The Agenda







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A Typical Testimonial:  When I joined Cosmopolitan Toastmasters Club some years ago, I was just a kid.  My Dad was a member of Cosmopolitan Toastmasters, my Grandfather was a member of Cosmopolitan Toastmasters.  I was forced to join.  They told me I would be cut out the wills if I didn't join 515.  I wanted to be my own man.  I needed to strike out on my own. So, I visited about 13 local TM clubs; disappointed, after several beers, I stumbled into Cosmo-land.  It was the most auspicious Thursday of my life.  They said my Dad and Granddad were great. At first I thought they liked me; they let me join.  When I wrote interesting speeches, I was criticized, When I was grammarian, they laughed at me,  When I entered speech contests, I lost.  Nothing was handed to me.  I knew I had to work my fool porcine butt off.  I worked like a pig on my CTM, and never wavered.  I stood firm. Today, I am a respected Swine. God Bless Cosmopolitan Toastmasters and founder Ralph. C. Smedley.

Finally confident, I have taken a hiatus to see if I really can make something of myself. 

Derek Grant


                                 Testimonials from Past Members

 My name is Hal Marten.  I joined Cosmopolitan Toastmasters club #515 several years ago.  Frankly, I knew I should simply maintain my speaking and communication skills.  I was respected by my family, friends and employer.  I was easily promoted from club Secretary to Public Relations V.P. and finally won a unanimous vote to become President.  As a great and natural leader, I made some enemies as I tried to implement the Toastmasters International program.  The dirty swine led by the brazen Anti-Smedlitarian, the evil General Secretary Drewitz and Dr. ICTM himself (the evil-doer) Dr. Paul B. Ahern, then passed a motion of Impeachment to drive me out of my prestigious office with a “crooked” trial.  I was represented by a hack lawyer, whose name is coincidently Hackley.  That figures.  They called mendacious witnesses, who claimed I was a right-wing nut-case whose devotion to our founder, Ralph C. Smedley was almost evangelical.   Most members were afraid to testify in my behalf, except Sam Charchian, who was impeached years earlier and found innocent on “grounds of insanity”.  He liked me.  My only somewhat friendly witness was my beloved wife, who was a surprise witness.  She was bribed by several glasses of wine and then liquored-up just before her testimony.  Everything she said about me are lies.  Although I was represented by the famous Minnesota Bulldog attorney, Paul Chamberalin, I was found guily by a sham jury, stripped of the Presidency, and condemned to serve as Chair-Person-Non-Gratis for the remainder of my term.  Cosmopolitan Toastmasters Club #515 has destroyed my confidence, my marriage, and my ability to earn an income.  My neighbors, my employer and my family now think I’m a loser.  Thank you, you pathetic #[email protected]% Swine members of Cosmopolitan Club # 515.  Don’t join this club.  Note: I have retired to a lonely cabin in Wisconsin known as the "Southern Pig Palace".


My name is Christopher Deanovic.   I joined Cosmopolitan Toastmasters on a “bet” from current member, Phil Simonson, while inebriated.  He said I didn’t have the courage, the competence and tenacity to become an active member of this club.  I fooled him, won the bet, and after winning the Division Speech Contest with “It All Goes Back in the Box”, I ascended to Educational V.P. and then was elected President of Cosmopolitan Toastmasters Club #515.  It was the proudest day of my life.  I was loved, cherished and admired by my subjects, I mean, constituency.  As my term was ending, tears would overcome me most nights; I couldn’t sleep.  Since I was so beloved and admired, I decided that I should become President-for-Life, and ran again for a second term.  I was semi-aware of Article VI, Sec. 3 of the Toastmasters International Constitution which prohibits a second term to a full-year term President.  So what?  Hugo Chavez did it, Fidel Castro did it, and Saddam Hussein did it.  Heck everybody does it.  A pathetic organizational puppet, John Hadacek was put up to run against me by Past President Jerry Weaver.  When the votes were tallied, I was informed there were some “inconsistencies” in the ballots.   The so-called ballot counter, the devious Past President himself, simply claimed that his hand-picked lackey, John Hadacek won.  I demanded to see the ballots, and he said, “Oops, they were accidently burned.”  In short, I was screwed by this club.  I have since quit, and encourage you not to join this nefarious bunch of pork.  Update:  I have since moved to Atlanta and vow to become a real CTM.  As McArthur said. "I shall return"...and I did.